Thursday March 28th, 2024
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Ah! So That's How You Join Al Qaeda...

Leaked documents show that the application form for potential Al Qaeda recruits is not so different from an average job...

Staff Writer

There comes a time in every potential extremist's life when he has to decide whether to apply to college, look for a job or possibly join Al Qaeda. Well, new information released by the USA's Office of the Director of National Intelligence reveals that the processes are all rather similar; you simply have to fill out a form.

A document entitled "Instructions to Applicants" demonstrated how Al Qaeda vetted its new recruits prior to Osama bin Laden’s death in 2011, and it reads like something straight out of terrorist parody film Four Lions. A series of rather mundane questions are asked... Do you have any hobbies? and List your previous occupations... Sounds like some pretty straightforward bureaucracy right there... Until it starts getting a little less ambiguous. Other questions include:

Do you know anyone who travels to Western countries?

Do you know any workers or experts in chemistry?

Do you have any friends or family in the government who would be willing to help us? 

Before getting right to the point:

Do you wish to execute a suicide operation?

Who should we contact in case you become a martyr?

Name...

Address...

Jeez! Is there not some sort of beginner Jihadi courses we could take? Are there electives we could try out before fully committing to become a martyr?

Read the application in full (in Arabic) here.