Since Sisi's stint as president begun, he has been fluttering around the problem of Cairo's roads without quite hitting the nail on the traffic head. There was his impression of Lance Armstrong, promoting use of bicycles and even proposing bike lanes for the ten people that ride bikes in the city. Security chiefs then announced that they will forcibly be removing and banning bumper stickers from cars especially those with religious slogans that allegedly incite sectarian tendencies which, in hindsight, is a shame because sometimes ridiculous Egyptian bumper stickers are the only things which entertain us whilst stuck on the roads. The latest car crack down sees a 150LE fine implemented to anyone not wearing a seatbelt in order to restore safety and order to Egyptian motorists. But from the way we drive, even if we were wearing safety harnesses made from pillows insulated by titanium, we still wouldn't be safe. Going in line with the governments tame attempts at cracking down on Cairo's chaotic roads we predict the next few laws that probably should be put in place…
Eating lib in the car
For starters no one wants to enter the passenger seat of a car or microbus and start drowning in malodorous bits of damp and dirty seed shells scattered around every orifice of the vehicle; on the gear box, in the dashboard, on in the cracks of the seat. Eating lib and spitting out its remnants outside the window is a filthy habit, much like a farmer might lob chewing tobacco from his mouth for sport. Keffaya, eat your lib in private.
Zamalek F.C have won a match du foot. You happened to be in Zamalek. A cacophony of high frequency horns squelch through the air at sharp intermittent periods and you've found yourself at the centre of this apocalyptic chorus all because a man you never met kicked a ball into a net. A car has been waiting in front of you for all of ten seconds; you know what might hurry him up? A good old beep, right? That should do the trick/ No? Maybe a few more beeps! Oh he's trying to park? Fuck him, fuck parking, beep some more that will hurry up his three point turn. The traffic warden is doing his job by directing traffic… No he's not, he's being a shit, he doesn't even know how to do his job obviously otherwise he would have let you pass already, right? Why don't you beep some more? Beep, beep BEEEP BEEEP BEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP BEEEP ohhh the horror please just stop BEEEP BEEEP BEEP. I weep.
Music Volume Regulation
No one should have the volume on their radio, CD player or connected AUX device more than 20-25 notches. No one wants to hear blaring shaabi music on the road after getting away from it from under their buildings, in the kiosk, on the kitchen radio... it's everywhere. If the previous fine actually happened, then loud car music is one of the only thing keeping us from a sense of peace on the roads and if it's not shaabi music it's Shaggy or generic Dubstep. Keep your sounds secured firmly inside the vehicle.
He's not an ibn metnaka, he's not a 3arbagy, or a khawal; he is simply a human, trying to get from point A to point B without dying. Relax, because very often if you wait another few seconds they will no longer be of nuisance to your own journey, but if you do lose it and start swearing, it is very possible that they are one of these egotistical Egyptians will stop their car in front of a huge amount of traffic, get out just to confront you about calling his mother a prostitute in passing. This build up of traffic behind the argument will lead to an inordinate amount of beeping, and if our regulations pass, more fines. Much like a swear jar, these unnecessary expletives deserve payment.
100 LE Fine
No epic romance in the history of time, or even in any RomCom movie, has begun with a man, leaning outside his window and hollering our "pssssssssssst, pssssssssssst, eh ya otta! Ehhh ya kombella!" Any man who degrades a woman by cat calling outside his car window in the hope to get laid, or just in the hope to counter-intuitively compliment the passing woman, should be punished.
2000 LE Fine
If you smoke while driving you should make sure that you have a lighter of some kind with you. Stopping the lines of traffic behind you to borrow one from a car next to you while driving slowly is a ridiculous and dangerous maneuver considering there are kiosks on the street ever ten metres. It can wait.
200 LE Fine
"Betdrift ya 3am? Ah ya man, ana badrift, ana cool neek, ana rewesh neek." Aslan, your shitty Hyundai is not a car that is physically capable of drifting, you're just messing with your brakes. Secondly, it does not make you cool, it means you're a loser who has watch Fast and Furious too many times. It's dangerous if you don't know how to do it properly and it adds to the noise pollution.
800 LE Fine
Being cheap with petrol
Why is there a wave of black smoke coming out the exhaust pipe of your car ruining drivers' vision and lungs? Because you decided to be cheap and get 80 octane gas instead of 92.
900 LE Fine
When that Lancer comes along, speeding and meandering between cars going right to left, a stream of metal cans clanging constantly at the back, covered in flowers… no one is thinking "awww, I hope it lasts." They're thinking "Oh, I hope they die."
Carrying Too Much Livestock
Three cows are more than enough for one nos na2l.
Your car probably has five very well defined spaces to seat passengers. This is for many a reason, the most important of which is safety. Your whole family of 10 people should not fit into one car. You should not put your baby ony our lap a la Britney. Children in the trunk of the car or livestock on top of the children on top of the car are also fineable offences.